Where's McCarver?

Hey

2006-05-11T23:36:00.000-04:00

Remember this blog?

Baseball season approaches

2006-02-06T11:06:00.000-05:00

I like trouble. Why not? A lot of people have their way to say stuff. I got my way. You know, all those little things about the game. People don't face it. Attack. Attack. I never take the first punch, never. Believe me, you throw me rocks, I'm gonna F-16 and just try to kill you. That's my style.

Primary process thinkers

2006-01-19T17:48:00.000-05:00

On PTI just now, Wilbon and Kornheiser were leading Jerome Bettis through the most boring interview I've ever seen. First question was, "How did you feel when you fumbled?" Then, "As the Colts were driving up the field, what were you thinking?" And so on. Bettis certainly held up his end of the exchange, which culminated in this revealing bit of sports psychology:

Kornheiser: When Vanderjagt missed, what were your personal thoughts?

Bettis: I was like, "He missed it!"

Someone sign this man to a book deal.

Much too open secrets

2006-01-11T11:31:00.000-05:00

Premiership upstart Wigan toppled perennial superpower Arsenal in the semi-finals of England's Carling Cup competition, thanks to some motivational words from their coach Paul Jewell. In the annals of sports exhortations, this isn't quite up there with "Win one for the Gipper." But it's the aside Jewell tosses in while recounting his words that I find strange:

"I said to them at half time 'look, you might never get another chance to play in another semi-final. Do it for your wives, your girlfriends'...and some of them have got both."

Thanks a lot, coach. Now the Wigan players will never be allowed out of the house again.

Adventures in Censorship

2006-01-05T14:54:00.000-05:00

There's a lot to love about Corey Dillon's locker-room tirade, as reported by Boston.com Patriots blogger Mike Reiss. Dillon says, without irony, "I keep it real," and also refers to himself as "28." But my favorite part about the passage is Reiss' careful censorship. See if you can spot it:

I don’t give a [care]. I don’t care. All I care about is what my teammates think and how we go out there and play football. Much more, I don’t give a [care]. You can tell Bill [Belichick], I don’t give a [care]. This is what it is. Take it or leave it. I don’t care. Writing about the running game, who gives a [care]? We’re in the playoffs. We’re playing for something. If you guys don’t feel me on that, I don’t know what to tell you. If you don’t like it, if you don’t like me, I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. You guys aren’t going to do nothing for my life after football, so why should I give a [care]?

First of all, I haven't heard the phrase "I don't give a care" since about third grade. Second of all, wouldn't "crap," "damn," or even "darn," have been more palatable, and more logical alternatives? Third of all, will this rant come back to haunt Corey Dillon if he winds up taking a big [care] against the Jags on Saturday?

Not paying attention

2005-12-30T09:59:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I've let this blog go to the point where we haven't dealt with this whole Clinton Portis thing. Just go here. Do it. Even this isn't doing the whole thing justice, though.

A true LOLocaust

2005-12-27T12:59:00.000-05:00

This isn't a tortured analogy, but it is just about the worst thing Eric Wilbur has penned yet. And that's saying something.

Now, let’s be frank, I would have liked to have seen Damon in a Red Sox uniform for 2006-07. Beyond that, I’d just assume see one of Lucas’ guys out there in center field. C3-PO’s admittedly terrible throwing arm would be comparable at that stage don’t ya think? Although, he does seem dense enough to miss the cutoff man all too frequently, and plus, he’d conjure up way too many Kevin Millar memories with his inability to shut up.

We, uh, are talking about baseball here, right?

Where's McCarver will never die...

2005-12-21T11:39:00.000-05:00

...at least not as long as Chad Johnson is still a starting wide receiver somewhere in the NFL. This season, Chad has become notorious for his touchdown celebrations, which have included jigs, pantomimes, and several props. But we ain't seen nothin' yet. For his next trick:

"On the highway, I hit a deer," Johnson said Tuesday, insisting he was serious and that the animal wasn't hurt. "I kept him. He's at home in the garage. I'm going to use him for the celebration this weekend. He's a prop. They might suspend me for the last game, but I think this one is worth it."

And just in case it's not totally clear:

"This is going to be the greatest celebration of all time, man. I actually use an animal."

Butch Stearns!

2005-12-05T22:57:00.000-05:00

Apologies that this isn't word-for-word, but I just heard this at the end of Fox 25's news broadcast from sports anchor Butch Stearns:

We'd like to mention 15-year-old Patrick White. Like many of you, he lived and died for the Red Sox. Patrick lost his battle with cancer last week...

Couldn't they have found a less ironic way to express his love for the team?

The perils of premature celebration

2005-11-28T14:25:00.000-05:00

You could end up looking like Jeremy Shockey:

I thought it meant he was retiring

2005-11-14T14:17:00.000-05:00

But no: Oil can Boyd Surrenders

Tortured Analogy Watch, 11/04

2005-11-04T14:18:00.000-05:00

And it's once again from Eric Wilbur:

Meanwhile, the Colts enter with that same old offensive attack Bill Belichick has repeatedly been able to make look as threatening as a ravenous lion through a backward telescope.

What?

What?

I did not expect this

2005-11-01T15:06:00.000-05:00

Time magazine has an illuminating profile of New York Yankees outfielder Hideki Matsui. Specifically:

Throughout it all, Matsui remained almost unnervingly low-key. He wears no earrings, no rock-star sunglasses, no outlandish hip-hop togs of the type favored by contemporaries like Ichiro. Flash just isn't Matsui's style, even if the conservative Giants hadn't frowned on such outré displays. Instructed to stay in the team dormitory and refrain from dating during the first several years of his career, so as to devote all his concentration solely to baseball, Matsui agreeably complied, without so much as a whimper. Indeed, his only eccentricity, if it can be called that, is his extensive private library of adult videos. His refreshing ability to laugh self-deprecatingly about his porno collection, reporters say, is one reason why fans and even nonfans have taken to him so much. Says former reporter Isao Hirooka: "Hideki just wants to be like ordinary people."

Madden being Madden

2005-10-31T22:03:00.000-05:00

John Madden really needs to rethink his nomenclature for the various gaps a running back has to choose from. He should never, ever be saying -- as he just did -- "he bounces it out to the A-hole."

Lee Corso is a penis

2005-10-31T18:52:00.000-05:00

ESPN Sunday Night Football

2005-10-31T08:21:00.000-05:00

Joe Theismann on the Asante Samuel interception: "What a great piece of hands!"

The rallying point at last

2005-10-25T17:00:00.000-04:00

Just the thing for the Astros to seize upon as they look to come back from an 0-2 hole in the World Series: two local rappers have recorded songs. I'll allow that people who profess to know more about this sort of thing than I do will both readily tell you that both rappers are good at what they do, but scanning the lyrics, I'm a little skeptical. Particularly this one, from Paul Wall's "They Don't Know":

"George Bush is at every game to see them Astros do their thing. This year we at the World Series. Congratulations to Drayton McLane."

Again, I'm not saying this automatically makes Wall a bad rapper. All I'm saying is that I can't think of too many other rap songs that namecheck George H.W. Bush in a positive light. Except for that one song Kool Keith did about supply-side economics...

Here's McCarver.

2005-10-22T16:50:00.000-04:00

USA Today has an interview with none other than Tim McCarver.

Question: Where's the line between analysis and overanalysis?

Answer: You don't have to say something every time there's a replay. I was guilty, in the early part of my career, of overanalyzing. I know that's not true anymore.

If I'm able to watch the World Series game tonight with any access to sound, I'm going to do my best to note exactly how many replays McCarver feels he "[doesn't] have to say something."

Classic WMC?

2005-10-22T15:15:00.000-04:00

"The Red Sox and our fans were fortunate to see Roger Clemens play in his prime and we had hoped to keep him in Boston during the twilight of his career." - Former Red Sox GM Dan Duquette on Roger Clemens. Duquette said that almost 9 years ago. Tonight, that same Roger Clemens will be starting Game One of the World Series. Duquette has not worked in baseball since the 2001 season.

YES!

2005-10-22T10:06:00.000-04:00

You knew Ozzie wouldn't be able to keep quiet for long. ESPN.com's Jim Caple has jumped on the Ozzie quote collecting bandwagon, and it sounds like our good friend Joe Morgan has been in his ear:

"Babe Ruth didn't have a computer. Roberto Clemente didn't have a computer."

Headliners and Legends: Ozzie Guillen

2005-10-21T15:10:00.000-04:00

The Washington Post has helpfully recapped some of the better Ozzie Guillen quotes from the past season. You can read them all here. Below are some of my favorites.

"I'm smarter than a lot of guys who go to Harvard. When you come to this country and you can't speak any English at 16 years old, and you have to survive, you have to have something smart in your body. If you take one of those Harvard guys and drop them in the middle of Caracas, they won't survive. But if you drop me in the middle of Harvard, I'll survive."

"I don't use computers. Yeah, I have e-mail. But what's so hard about e-mail? It's just 'delete, delete, delete.' "

"The Cubs didn't need Sammy Sosa to sell tickets. Sammy didn't sell any tickets in Baltimore. . . . I don't believe one guy can bring people in. Michael Jackson would. People would come to see what he looks like in a uniform. I know I'd like to see that."

Who said it?

2005-10-20T15:17:00.000-04:00

Here's one prominent NBA player on the new dress code:

"I think it's a load of crap. I understand what they're trying to do with the hats and do-rags and jerseys and stuff. That's fine. But I don't understand why they would take it to this level. I think it's basically retarded."

So who said it? Allen Iverson? Ron Artest? Kobe Bryant? Rasheed Wallace? Carmelo Anthony? Paul Pierce?

All wrong. Would you believe it was the heretofore squeaky-clean Tim Duncan?

I just play it in Roulette

2005-10-20T14:37:00.000-04:00

OKLAHOMA CITY --A man got a prison term longer than prosecutors and defense attorneys had agreed to -- all because of Larry Bird.

The lawyers reached a plea agreement Tuesday for a 30-year term for a man accused of shooting with an intent to kill and robbery. But Eric James Torpy wanted his prison term to match Bird's jersey number 33.

Full article here.

NBA dress code: the players react

2005-10-19T14:51:00.000-04:00

Clearly thinking first and foremost of Where's McCarver, the official NBA website has provided a list of articles detailing players' reactions to the new dress code. The first line of the official dress code says the general policy is business casual, a style of dress you're probably familiar with if you have a job.

Here are some of the better player responses.

Jermaine O'Neal: "My plan this year was to dress up anyway. I have 40 to 50 suits already. I should be one of the best-dressed guys this year."

Stephen Jackson: "I have no problem dressing up . . . because I know I'm a nice-looking guy."

Grant Hill: "I like to dress up."

LeBron James: "Sometimes you feel lazy and you don't feel like putting some clothes on, but this is a job."

T.J. Ford: "This was a rule they came up with, and we've got to follow the rules or they're going to take our money."

Jalen Rose: "But at the end of the day, whatever I wear to the game, whether I have on jewelry, a sports coat or not, when I dribble up the court, I'm still going to hear Notorious B, I'm still going to hear Tupac."

Oh, and by the way, commissioner David Stern's ice-cold response to Marcus Camby's complaint was, "We don’t know where the cut-off is. Maybe if you earn less than $8 million, you’ll get a scholarship from the commissioner."

And the award for best "Trading Up" of the year

2005-10-18T14:42:00.000-04:00

You've got to be happy for any NBA player who goes from Portland to San Antonio. Hey, Derek Anderson, how does it feel to play for the defending champions?

"I'm just glad to be out of Portland. Every day the police were involved."

Geography class!

2005-10-17T22:06:00.000-04:00

Thom Brennaman describing the plight of the Astros:

"[The Astros] have never been to the World Series. In fact, there has never been a World Series game played in the largest state in our country.

Technically, he's correct: there hasn't been one in Alaska.

That about sums it up

2005-10-17T16:30:00.000-04:00

Ozzie on his World Series-bound team:

"If you told me in April that Jose Contreras was going to be my ace and Bobby Jenks was going to be my closer, I would tell you I don't think we're going to win this."

I can't say I disagree.

Updating a previous item

2005-10-17T13:41:00.000-04:00

The Ravens' Terrell Suggs, last seen apologizing for being caught attacking an official on television, was asked to respond to said ref's allegation that Suggs went at him "with malice in his heart."

"I had to go and look up the word 'malice.'"

Somewhere, an Arizona State professor is smiling.

I pity them, and yet...

2005-10-17T10:40:00.000-04:00

The New Orleans/San Antonio/Baton Rouge Saints are in a terrible situation. But I'm pretty sure Jim Haslett would have said this no matter what after Sunday's loss to the Falcons:

The play at the end, the call by the officials ... It's flat-out chickenshit, all right? It's a flat-out chickenshit call by that crew, by 95, especially, James whatever his last name is. It's a bad call because we took exactly the same play that Atlanta ran trying to block the winning field goal against New England last week and we ran that against them. They didn't call it last week, so I'm telling you it's a flat-out chickenshit call. It was the same exact play that Atlanta ran against New England to block their winning field goal. We are pulling the guy to the outside. You're allowed to pull as long as you're going forward. We pulled to get Jason Craft through. We took the play from Atlanta. Atlanta ran it last week against New England and [the officials] didn't call it last week. And again, I'll say it's a chickenshit call.

The beauty of Where's McCarver is restoring the profanities in tirades like this.

UPDATE: Here's one of the referees on the play:

"No. 92 on defense grabbed his opponent and pulled him to the inside, allowing his teammate to shoot through and into the hole."

NFL people really need some new terminology...

Mostly valuable

2005-10-17T10:17:00.000-04:00

Congratulations to Paul Konerko for winning the ALCS MVP, even if in all the excitement he seems to have forgotten what the letters stand for:

''You can split up [the MVP] about 10 different ways,'' Konerko said. ''I mean, four complete games in a row, you have to be kidding me. But I know who the real MVP is, and that's our pitching. I'm still going to respect it and I'll honor it, but it's all about team here.''

And more Fox

2005-10-16T20:44:00.000-04:00

So no sooner did I half-defend Fox's A-Team for baseball then I hear Sweet Lou refer to Jose Contreras' forkball as "Señor Tumbolina." Buck and McCarver are acting like he just made that up.

Somewhere, Tone Loc is smiling

2005-10-16T20:38:00.000-04:00

I've been known to criticize the Joe Buck/Tim McCarver tandem quite frequently, but frankly, Fox's alternative (Thom Brennaman, "Psycho" Steve Lyons and Bob "Worst Manager to win a World Series" Brenly) is not much better. For instance, here's their analysis of a graphic Fox produced on the Molina brothers, the trio of catchers who are all still alive this postseason. Fox's graphic guy titled it "Funky Cold Molina," prompting this exchange:

Brenly: It says "Funky Cold Molina," but they've actually been extremely hot this postseason.
Lyons: I think they mean "cold" as in "cool."

Probably just another thing only I find funny

2005-10-14T23:18:00.000-04:00

At some point during tonight's ALCS broadcast, appropos of nothing, Lou Piniella started rattling off his World Series roster for the 1990 Reds. Maybe he was making a point, I came in in the middle of it to hear "Bip Roberts...Barry Larkin...Chris Sabo...Jose Rijo..." I think he was just trying to prove he still remembered their names.

C'mon Billy

2005-10-14T16:17:00.000-04:00

Last week, before the Falcons-Patriots game, Michael Vick was listed as "probable," which translates to a 75% chance of playing on Sunday. Vick did not play in that Sunday's game at Atlanta, one the Falcons lost by three. But more importantly, Belichick may have perceived some sort of deke on the injury report on the part of the Falcons, in other words, he thought it was like the Falcons were telling him "you'd better prepare for Vick, because you never know when he's going to play." So, if you're the Denver Broncos right now, you've got no idea who you'll be lining up against next week. Here's Bill's injury report, courtesy of the Boston Globe:

Offensive tackle Matt Light -- out
Running back Kevin Faulk -- out
Outside linebacker Tully Banta-Cain (knee) -- questionable
Linebacker Monty Beisel (finger) -- questionable
Receiver Troy Brown (foot) -- questionable
Outside linebacker Matt Chatham (knee) -- questionable
Running back Corey Dillon (ankle) -- questionable
Cornerback Randall Gay (ankle) -- questionable
Defensive lineman Jarvis Green (shoulder) -- questionable
Defensive lineman Marquise Hill (ankle) -- questionable
Linebacker/special teams ace Larry Izzo (thigh) -- questionable
Outside linebacker Willie McGinest (finger) -- questionable
Cornerback Tyrone Poole (ankle) -- questionable
Safety James Sanders (ankle) -- questionable
Safety Guss Scott (knee) -- questionable
Defensive lineman Richard Seymour (knee) -- questionable
Cornerback Duane Starks (thigh) -- questionable
Quarterback Tom Brady (right shoulder) -- probable

I'm sorry you're a jerk!

2005-10-13T09:42:00.000-04:00

First we had Byron Leftwich apologizing for giving the finger to a ref on TV, and now we have the Baltimore Ravens' Terrell Suggs demonstrating similar contrition after a dust-up with a ref:

"I think my dad was more upset about the fine and mom was more upset because I'm not supposed to get angry on television like that," Suggs said.

Getting caught on camera sends the wrong message to the kids: that they won't always be able to get away with it.

Horse shoes, hand grenades

2005-10-13T08:17:00.000-04:00

From A.J. Pierzynski, the man who got last night's bizarre finish going when he ran to first after strike three:

''It was like, 'Well, if he calls me out we'll try and shut them out in another inning,' and luckily Joe Crede hit a home run to win the game."

Crede hit a double.

And now this

2005-10-13T00:03:00.000-04:00

So while looking for more info on the ending of ALCS Game 2, I stumbled across this headline: "Agent denies Smoot paid for Vikings boat party." This one's a doozy. Basically, several Vikings took a party boat on one of the 10,000 lakes accompanied by some strippers, booze, and, per ESPN.com's sources, "visible sexual activity." More specifically, according to one of the owners - as he's paraphrased in this same articlce - things "escalated to players giving and receiving oral sex."

Now, it doesn't take much imagination to see that the door's pretty wide open here as to what exactly transposed. But coach Tice, how's this going to affect the team from here on out?

Tice, whose team has struggled to a 1-3 start this year, said Wednesday that the latest distraction "can tear a team apart or bring us together, and it's my job to bring the team together."

In other words, book Mike on the next three hour tour.

Also someone questioned Mewelde Moore, who acknowledged he was partying. But apparently he was on the lame boat:

"That's crazy. Sex? Come on."

Someone's feeling a little left out...

Postgame and watch

2005-10-12T23:56:00.000-04:00

Flipping over to ESPNNEWS after ALCS Game 2's bizarre ending, I caught this nugget from ESPN's designated Angels beat guy Pedro Gomez:

[Catcher Josh Paul] said he didn't hear anything like [a 'no-catch' signal] coming out of [umpire] Doug Eddings' ear.

I'm pretty sure it was funnier in the moment, but, regardless, we here at Where's McCarver are nearly positive we haven't heard the last wacky quote about this incident.

Tortured analogy watch

2005-10-12T11:30:00.000-04:00

From Boston.com's Eric Wilbur:

Cliff Claven would have a better success rate in a convent than the Braves have had in October.

Ugh

2005-10-12T09:59:00.000-04:00

I know this is probably a breach of some sort of etiquette, and it's definitely easy for me to sit here from my office cubicle and make fun of sportswriters, but I cannot let this line from Jim Caple's ESPN.com story on game one of the ALCS slide:

"We didn't think they would show up and not play hard," starting pitcher Jose Contreras said. "We just didn't play well. We left too many guys on base and we didn't execute when we needed to execute."

No kidding. Not even the state of Texas would have executed the way the White Sox went about it.

...? What is that!?

The more things change...

2005-10-12T09:17:00.000-04:00

Ron Artest is back. And he's promised to come back with a new commitment to self-restraint. Or not:

"I'm going to continue playing hard and out of control, like a wild animal that needs to be caged in," Artest said Tuesday night before the Indiana Pacers faced the New Jersey Nets in the preseason opener for both teams. "I'll let the referees handle it."

I didn't hear it

2005-10-12T08:23:00.000-04:00

I was out of the room, but Mitch told me that at some point, this exchange took place.

Joe Buck: What were you doing in 1967, Tim?
Tim McCarver: Carl Yastrzemski, the triple crown winner...

He apparently concluded that sentence in such a way that it made sense.

Makes sense to me

2005-10-11T19:19:00.000-04:00

To get the South Side fans pumped up for tonight's ALCS, the White Sox' official web site has enlisted the services of guest columnist...Pat Sajak?

But Sajak isn't the only Chicagoan who's psyched for the Sox! Check out TV film critic Richard Roeper:

No code

2005-10-11T19:13:00.000-04:00

Marcus Camby on the NBA's proposed dress code:

"I don't see it happening unless every NBA player is given a stipend to buy clothes," Nuggets center Marcus Camby said.

...

"It's tough if you have to dress up when you make an appearance. When you go to a basketball clinic and teach something, it's not going to make sense. And being dressed up on the plane, sometimes you have long back-to-back trips and you want to be loose and comfortable. I don't see it happening."

Camby, by the way, is due to be paid $7,150,000 for the 2005-06 season. As far as his teaching schedule at basketball clinics, well, that information wasn't immediately Googlable.

From across the pond

2005-10-11T11:35:00.000-04:00

Want to know why soccer doesn't get any respect in the United States? A Dutch expert on hooliganism is warning against possible bad behavior on the part of English fans at next year's World Cup, and cites their behavior at a recent England-Wales fixture as evidence:

'They were drinking without shirts on, they don't integrate with the local supporters, they refer to the war, and it doesn't make a nice relaxing atmosphere for the match.'

My heavens! How improper!

Good for what ails you

2005-10-11T08:43:00.000-04:00

Alex Rodriguez knows exactly how he'll get over last night's devastating loss to the Angels:

'We're not going to hang our heads," Alex Rodriguez said. ''It's disappointing, because we knew what we were capable of, I know what I was capable of doing to help the team, like I did all year. I didn't get it done, and I'm going to have to look in the mirror."

Experts say that after experiencing a trauma you should try as quickly as possible to get back to your ordinary routine.

Old time rock and roll

2005-10-10T08:50:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a good day for aging athletes. First, Ronde Barber on Vinny Testaverde:

''He made a couple of good throws for a guy who has been home eating potato chips."

And then Roger Clemens on himself after picking up the win in that 18-inning extravaganza:

''I love this, this is why you get off the couch to play this game."

What's the connection? Could it be the non-stop sitting and snacking?

If a guy's from New Hampshire, I'll probably quote him

2005-10-07T14:05:00.000-04:00

Toronto Raptors reserve forward Matt Bonner has signed a new deal with the team worth $1 million dollars.

I bring this up because Bonner has stated publicly that, even though he can probably afford one, he still would rather not buy a car:

"I'd be selling out if I got a car," said Bonner, who will continue walking 15 minutes to the Air Canada Centre from his apartment.

I could point out that accepting a lucrative deal to play basektball for a living would be the very definition of selling out, but Bonner, like me and Chris Carpenter, is a New Hampshire man, so I'll cut him some slack.

I don't even know why I find this so funny...

2005-10-07T13:48:00.000-04:00

Bobcats center and last year's NBA Rookie of the Year Emeka Okafor has enlisted the help of Hakeem Olajuwon to help him take up yoga. To say they UConn product is enthusiastic about his new studies would be an understatement:

"When I have my yoga session, I'll bust out my mat, go to my yoga master and get cracking."

LET'S DO THIS YOGA THING!

Everett, Massachusetts

2005-10-07T13:20:00.000-04:00

Carl Everett is back, and the ex-Red Sox is not feeling the love for Boston:

"You paid your ticket just to say, `Boo, boo, boo?'" Everett said. "To me, you're the idiot. You're an idiot sitting there, boo, boo, boo. Keep going. It don't matter."

Speaking of boo-hooing -- or, I suppose, 'boo boo boo'-ing -- Everett's unhappiness with being moved down in the batting order prompted this response from manager Ozzie Guillen:

"I'm the manager, I make the best lineup," Guillen said. "Who are you to tell me why you play seven, six or eight [in the lineup]? I move you down to six, you look at yourself in the mirror and ask why. He doesn't like batting sixth he has two choices: Not playing or batting sixth."

Regardless of how deep they go in the playoffs, the Chicago White Sox are champions in my book.

Where would we be without Chad Johnson

2005-10-07T11:54:00.000-04:00

The Bengals have a Sunday night game, meaning anyone who watches football instead of The Simpsons will get a chance to see the man in action. Somebody was clearly considering Where's McCarver when they asked Chad how he felt about this development.

Every week is national TV. I'm sure people have DirecTV and can order our games. But this one, they don't have a choice but to watch because we're the only ones playing. Therefore, they have to deal with me and my entertaining skills.

Give 'em a break

2005-10-07T11:31:00.000-04:00

You can tell it's been a while since the White Sox have been in the playoffs.

Two actual signs brought by people to The Cell this past week:

I'ts Our Turn

ALC Dividson Champs 2005!!!

My cousin Vinny

2005-10-07T09:53:00.000-04:00

We may have found the NFL's leading candidate for a Viagra Comeback Player of the Year award:

"Everything is old," [Vinny] Testaverde chuckled Thursday, "not just my arm."

Truly a sad day

2005-10-06T16:40:00.000-04:00

The announcement of Jason Giambi as the AL Comeback Player of the Year should have been cause for celebration at Where's McCarver HQ. But Giambi, Brian Cashman, Joe Torre and the various beat writers have been on their best behavior so far. Strangely enough, the story about Ken Griffey winning the NL award had the funnier line. What was that about advertorial content?

In the season that ensued, Griffey assured the baseball world that he felt just fine. Now he has the Comeback Player of the Year Award presented by Viagra to show for it.

Whose payroll is this author on, MLB's or Pfizer's?

New Hampshire's Own

2005-10-05T15:21:00.000-04:00

In a recent profile in ESPN: The Magazine, St. Louis Cardinals ace and Granite State native Chris Carpenter was asked to name his favorite pitcher. His response? "Bud Light."

On the one hand, I like the creativity, but on the other...Bud Light? Come on, Chris, you're letting New Hampshire down! At least say "Smuttynose" or something!

No sense of irony whatsoever

2005-10-05T13:32:00.000-04:00

Batman:	Q: With tomorrow's off day, do you see an "all hands on deck" situation tonight with Wells?
Gordon_Edes:	Batman, the good news about tonight is that Papelbon and Timlin will be well rested.

Are you ready for some Futbol?

2005-10-05T10:06:00.000-04:00

The next time you want to criticize a wide receiver for some stupid end-zone celebration -- which is not to suggest that you should ever stop criticizing wide receivers for stupid end-zone celebrations -- remember that athletes in other sports can be equally as foolish:

Welcome to the Real Madrid zoo. Several Brazilian players on the traditional Spanish soccer power have taken to celebrating goals by imitating creatures -- a cockroach, frog and horse, in particular -- and the displays aren't going over well with teammates and opponents. Ronaldo, Roberto Carlos and Julio Baptista have scored six of Madrid's seven goals in recent league victories over Alaves and Mallorca and, together with Robinho, have put on the shows.

This could, however, lead to the first case of a pro athlete literally acting like a horse's ass on the playing field.

Sigh...

2005-10-04T20:04:00.000-04:00

Mike Piazza was asked at some point during the Boston-Chicago game about basestealing. Pizza was never much of a threat on the base paths, but he had some teammates who were. Here's Mikey:

Delino DeShields told me he used to look at the pitcher's backside

If you heard it live, Piazza sounded really embarrassed to say it. Not surprising when you consider this is the same guy who once called a press conference to declare his heterosexuality.

The SOSH with the most

2005-10-04T13:58:00.000-04:00

The immortal Sons of Sam Horn message board is having a lot of playoff-related discussions today, including one about a Jim Caple column attacking the idea of the wild card. In a post deriding Caple, and sportswriters in general, one SOSHer had this to say:

There are more important things in life to worry about, at least for those of us whose lives doesn't revolve around professional baseball.

This came from a board moderator with 26,561 posts.

On David Ortiz

2005-10-04T09:54:00.000-04:00

"Everyone has holes," noted Sox closer Keith Foulke. "But his are so small."

What say you, Favre?

2005-10-03T20:36:00.000-04:00

The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel has the inside scoop on the stupidest team in football (reg. req'd):

The Wonderlic Personnel Test is a standardized 12-minute 50-question problem-solving exam used by the league to evaluate players...

The players on the [Green Bay] Packers' roster have an average Wonderlic score of 19.1... The Journal said 19.1 is the typical score for "hospital orderlies."

The Packers have nine players on their roster who scored below 14 on the test. The best score is 50.

Let's be fair here: what the Wonderlic doesn't measure is your ability to get plowed by the other team's defensive linemen. Wait, the Packers have been failing that test all season too.

Wrapped around his finger

2005-10-03T13:01:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite things about sports is that you can't go more than two weeks without seeing a headline just like this one:

Va. Tech's Vick sorry for obscene gesture

The Ozman Cometh!

2005-10-03T11:50:00.000-04:00

Jay Mariotti reports in his Sun-Times column that Ozzie Guillen apparently "became the first major-league manager in known history to flash a double-fisted choke sign at a mascot -- Slider, employed by the Indians -- and the Jacobs Field fans during a pitching change Sunday."

I can't wait to see what the Boston media does with a week's worth of this guy.

Keep a stiff upper lip

2005-10-03T11:41:00.000-04:00

So the Patriots are going through some troubled times. The chemistry is still there, as Peter King has revealed in his Monday Morning Quarterback column:

"I love that guy," Pats tight end Christian Fauria said last week of Tom Brady. "I wish he didn't have a girlfriend."

How dare you inconvenience the mighty Yankees!

2005-10-03T11:16:00.000-04:00

From ESPN.com, the headline says it all: Yanks angry at Showalter for pulling stars vs. Angels.

The Yankees are incredulous that Buck Showalter took Mark Teixeira, Hank Blalock and Michael Young out of a game that the Rangers eventually lost. Had they won, the Yankees would have the tiebreaker advantage against the Angels, thus giving them home field advantage for the ALDS. Now the Yankees have to travel to Anaheim for Tuesday's game.

The Yanks were somewhat surprised that Showalter would do such a thing, especially since pulling his stars didn't really give him any sort of advantage going forward. It's especially suspect given the fact that Showalter is supposedly still miffed at New York for firing him in, what, 1995?

The validity of the conspiracy theory notwithstanding, Buck's defense of the move is...well, let's let him say it:

"Those guys posted up every day," Showalter told The Fort Worth Star-Telegram. "They deserved that cookie."

So not only did Showalter rest his boys just to stick it to the Yankees, but he's also letting them play basketball in the clubhouse after games AND giving extra snacks to his favorites!

Wild Card Champions

2005-10-03T09:14:00.000-04:00

You think David Ortiz is disappointed about winning the Wild Card instead of the AL East? Well, maybe. But he had an odd way of showing it. Here's his response to Jayson Stark after he was informed that the only difference between winning the division and the wild card was that his team was going to play Chicago instead of Anaheim:

"I think it's a point good, bro," said David Ortiz on Sunday. "California wears me out. It's like going to Japan, man."

I can picture David Ortiz and Jayson Stark bro-ing down over a pitcher at the Cask and Flagon...

No dinosaurs!

2005-10-03T08:17:00.000-04:00

Really, this entire Sun-Times profile of Carl Everett is worth reading. And most of it would be worth posting here. For example:

Everett also said comedian Chris Rock would make a better baseball commissioner than Bud Selig.

''[Rock is] gonna tell it like it is,'' Everett said.

And:

And dinosaurs?
''Just because I've seen them in movies doesn't mean that they existed,'' he said. ''They can make dinosaur bones just like they make dinosaurs for movies. God made man and gave him dominion over the earth and all its animals. If that's true, then we can't say that dinosaurs ruled the earth and that man came from monkeys."

And:

While some think Everett might become a preacher after baseball, he said he has other ideas.
''I want to become an architect,'' he said.

ESPN Sunday Night Football

2005-10-02T21:06:00.000-04:00

With 14:51 left in the first quarter, Theismann and Maguire had already name-checked the offensive and defensive coordinators for both teams. But we expect that from them. What I didn't expect was this gem from Theismann, about Arizona Cardinals receiver Anquan Boldin:

What an incredible young man he has come on.

What's going on in that locker room, fellas?

Not even sure if this is accurate, but I'm pretty sure he said it

2005-10-02T14:15:00.000-04:00

Phil Simms on LaDanian Tomlinson during today's Patriots-Chargers game:

He gets stinky, and he can overpower you

Almost positive that's what he said.

Our new hero?

2005-10-02T14:11:00.000-04:00

The city of Cincinnatti is my responsibility

If you have to ask which Bengal said this, I guess you'll never know...

Man!

2005-10-02T14:10:00.000-04:00

Tim McCarver was uncharacteristically erudite during yesterday's Red Sox-Yankees tilt. Here's the best we could do:

That sounds like a new TV show: "Everybody Runs on Damon."

Clearly, Tim's not quite in "playoff form" just yet.

Yet here we are

2005-10-01T00:14:00.000-04:00

One might think that a post tonight would focus on either the Red Sox, Yankees, Indians, Astros or Phillies, since they're the only four teams playing meaningful baseball right now.

But no, I have to dip into the steroid well, because there was a Mark McGwire sighting in St. Louis. So, Big Mac, were you there to talk about the past?

"I've moved on from it and I wish the media would," McGwire said. "I've made my statement in Washington, that's my statement, and when I left Washington that's the last time I was ever going to talk about it, and that's really about it."

Yes, the last time he was going to talk about it was the time he said he...wasn't going to talk about it.

He goes on.

"That statement comes from the heart and that's the way it is," McGwire said. "When I left there, I'm never going to talk about it again...I'm a very positive person and I just wish everybody else would be positive...I know [members of the press] have been very negative towards me and that's your job, but I'm a very positive person and I've moved on."

Hey, Tony La Russa, care to comment?

"I'll see you all later," he snapped. "That question shouldn't even be asked. Haven't we had a positive great season, a great 40-year history?"

Yikes. The AP Story goes on:

Then La Russa slammed his fungo bat on a wall.

This is just a sad, sad situation. But then again, here I am, gleefully, half-drunkenly posting it in my blog. So what do I know?

Does this sound like boasting?

2005-09-30T11:43:00.000-04:00

The New York Times posed the MVP question to A-Rod himself. So who's Alex like, himself, or David Ortiz?

"Let him have it," Rodriguez said. "I already have one of those. I want what he has."

Red Sox fans: remember that fact, no matter how this weekend plays out.

Come on!

2005-09-30T11:08:00.000-04:00

We've been on Ozzie Watch ever since the White Sox clinched, but the fiery Venezuelan has been uncharacteristically low key. This quote is kind of amusing given the way the South Siders nearly pulled off the biggest regular season choke in baseball history:

A lot of people don't realize how hard it is to get to the playoffs.

You can do better than this generic platitude, Oz! You're holding out on us!

It is his second language

2005-09-30T08:21:00.000-04:00

David Ortiz on the Red Sox' attitude after their ninth-inning victory last night:

Everybody was on their toes. Everybody had attitude. You see Pookie, our clubbie, Pookie was out there, just like punching people and everything. That's fun.

That sounds like ol' Pookie, all right: wailing on people after a win.

Not actually a quote, but...

2005-09-29T13:12:00.000-04:00

People need to see Jake Plummer's mugshot on his ESPN.com Player Card:

I know they've been kicked around...

2005-09-29T10:42:00.000-04:00

But I can't resist. Here's Bruce Bochy on his Division Champion Padres:

"There's not a greater feeling," said Bruce Bochy, who's managed the Padres to three division crowns in 10 seasons. "This team's been pushed. These guys responded. It's been a bumpy road, but I couldn't be prouder of these guys."

The Padres as of today sit at .500 with four games to play.

This is how weird the 2005 season is

2005-09-29T09:17:00.000-04:00

''The name of the game is pitching and defense," said [Alex] Rodriguez. ''Without Shawn and Aaron, we'd probably be 10 games out now."

One more time, for emphasis:

''The name of the game is pitching and defense," said Rodriguez. ''Without Shawn [Chacon] and Aaron [Small], we'd probably be 10 games out now."

Texan hospitality -- to the extreme!

2005-09-28T16:01:00.000-04:00

Joe Horn on the Saints' reception in their temporary home:

"San Antonio has embraced us to another level."

The Thinker

2005-09-28T14:56:00.000-04:00

"I need a quarterback whose name sounds like a Marvel superhero's alter ego. Should I go with Brooks Bollinger?"
"Or Kliff Kingsbury?"

Damon 3:16

2005-09-28T12:29:00.000-04:00

''We know it's going to come down to this weekend," Johnny Damon ventured. ''It's the master plan. God's way. Yankees-Red Sox."

But who is He rooting for?

UPDATE: Tito responds:

"I don't think that it's God's master plan. It's probably Fox's."

Amen, brother.

Sometimes these things write themselves

2005-09-27T17:12:00.000-04:00

Here's an unedited sentence from Len Pasquarelli's reporting on the return of Vinny Testaverde:

While he comes with some drawbacks -- notably a lack of mobility and a propensity for turnovers -- Testaverde might actually be a good fit for the offense installed this summer by new offensive coordinator Mike Heimerdinger.

Vinny's stat line, for the record, last year with Dallas: 3,532 yards, with 17 touchdown passes and 20 interceptions.

Mike Tice reaches out to the little people

2005-09-27T17:06:00.000-04:00

The Vikings won their first game, and already their head coach is feeling his oats:

"I don't think [Daunte Culpepper] would have heard it from the fans," Tice said. "Only the KFAN [talk-radio] fans [would have booed him] and most of those people can't afford a ticket anyway."

He called the radio station today and said he was only joking, but he'd better hope Sunday's win wasn't a mirage.

Who's the fink?

2005-09-27T16:04:00.000-04:00

There is, if you can believe it, a controversy brewing in Boston. (How come this stuff doesn't happen in Milwaukee?) Here's the pertinent bit:

Citing the lack of a public backlash against [Curt] Schilling for his subpar season -- the Sox ace is 7-8 with a 5.89 ERA -- [an anonymous] player was quoted as saying, ''When he comes into the game, people cheer him like he's the Pope? You think they'd let Pedro [Martinez] get away with this? Why does he get a free pass?"

Theories abound as to who this mystery player is. While there's no way to know for sure, a process of elimination can help us count out some of the likely suspects.

Johnny Damon -- Sounds like something he'd say, but he hasn't been booed this season so the "sour grapes" angle doesn't fit. He's out.

Edgar Renteria -- Has been deservedly booed this season for his subpar performance, but even off the record I doubt he could string together that many English words. Between the sarcastic analogy and the reference to someone he hasn't been on the roster with, I think we can easily rule out Edgar.

Kevin Millar -- Getting warmer. Kevin has voiced some frustration this season and has definitely been booed, but he'd never abandon his role of Official Sox Cheerleader. He also would have referred to Pedro as "Petey."

Manny Ramirez -- Probably doesn't know who the Pope is. Possibly doesn't know who Curt Schilling is.

Keith Foulke -- He's quick with a quip (just ask "Johnny from Burger King") and has spent the entire year sulking like a 16 year-old. Plus he has the legitimate beef (sorry for another BK reference) that he's been booed for his performance this year as though he didn't carry the team on his back through last year's playoffs (which he did).

But I don't think it was Foulke. There's still one player we're overlooking.

Bill Mueller -- Because it's always the guy you least suspect.

Simply Billy Being Billy

2005-09-27T11:55:00.000-04:00

I'm not even sure how to address "ClockGate" except to point out that the Patriots were within field goal range with 50 seconds to play regardless, so the extra time was a non-factor. But here's a nugget from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette on some sniping between Belichick and the Steelers' coaching staff while Matt Light was injured:

"When [Bill] Belichick saw [Steelers trainer John] Norwig approach Light, who lay on the grass field, he came out to shoo him away. Belichick told Norwig to 'get away from my [expletive] player' according to several sources. A surprised Norwig left and later could be seen talking and laughing about the incident with several Steelers doctors on the sideline."

Belichick was most likely worried that Norwig would take it upon himself to disclose more information about Light than Bill's standard "he's got a pretty serious leg injury" that we heard from Bonnie Bernstein during the broadcast.

A Woman Will Be President

2005-09-26T22:23:00.000-04:00

Geena Davis is in the Monday Night Football announcers' booth.

I just wanted to point that out. Infer nothing.

We are on Madden Watch here at Where's McCarver? Central, but so far the big man's been relatively restrained. Perhaps Al shot him up with some diazepam during Monday Night Countdown.

We don't just do football here

2005-09-26T12:56:00.000-04:00

So who's AJ going to play for next year? Here's a condensed version of his tirade, as reported in the Palm Beach Post:

"We play scared. We manage scared. We coach scared and I'm sick of it. It's depressing around here...It's like they expect us to mess up, and when we do they chew us out. There's no positive nothing around here for anybody...There's no positives on this staff whatsoever. None...It's a 3-3 game. I give up a home run, and it's a funeral. I give up one run, they expect me to give up more. I'm over it. I got one more start here and that's all that matters...A positive pat on the back is better than anything, and I ain't seen a positive pat on the back since April. Guys are out here busting their butts. We ain't trying to lose. We ain't trying to give up runs or strike out. Yet you still hear negativity. I ain't saying no names. It's just too much negativity."

Of course, Burnett can't expect any sympathy from his old-school manager Jack McKeon, who did not exactly rush to his pitcher's defense:

"Everybody gets frustrated at times. I think sometimes you have to look in the mirror...We certainly don't pitch, me or the coaches, and we don't hit. This is what happens when you play in the big leagues. You're on a stage. Everybody has to be held accountable...You've got to close them out. Good pitchers win those games."

Yikes.

Not to be outdone

2005-09-26T11:41:00.000-04:00

Wide receiver is becoming a chippier position than ever these days, so Terrell, Randy, Chad, even you, Joe Horn: you've got company. You may remember a Mr. Steve Smith, one of the blandly named talented Panthers (along with Stephen Davis). Here's him on Sunday's game against the Dolphins:

"[Miami Dolphins coach Nick Saban] really needs to analyze which perennial corner he's going to have out there, because [Dolphins cornerback Sam Madison is] not one. That's it. I don't have nothing to say. I'm done. The bottom line is he's a punk. I won my war, and that's it. Don't ask me anymore."

Smith caught for 170 yards with 3 touchdowns, but his Panthers, a chic Super Bowl pick by many, find themselves 1-2 after losing to Miami, a team that was 4-12 a year ago. Some would call that winning the battle and losing the war, but hey.

UPDATE: There's more. When you're in the winners' locker room, you can get away with these things, but Madison elected to fire back. From the Sun-Sentinel comes this:

"I guess [Smith] hasn't read my resume," he said. "I'm rated No. 1 in trash talking the last few years. Once you start, we're pretty much going to go 60 minutes. I guess he thought we were going to play a 30-minute football game."

Madison spent so much time talking during that 60-minute game that he was unable to cover Smith. But, then again, catching for 170 yards and 3 touchdowns is no day at the beach either, a fact not lost on Madison:

"He was probably tired," Madison said. "He had his hand on his hip like a little girl in that heat. He was on the sideline crying."

I see, that was the Dolphins' strategy: let Steve Smith catch so many passes that he would wear himself out.

Who will cover #85 in 2005?

2005-09-26T11:30:00.000-04:00

It's probably fair to say Chad Johnson will put the checkmark under "No" next to Jerry Azumah's name, making him the third such entry on Johnson's checklist. Chad has listed the names of every corner he anticipates will be assigned to him in each of the Bengals' games, and, based on his stats, he will determine whether or not they succeeded in covering him. Johnson only caught for 77 yards yesterday, but that included two touchdowns, so he'll likely consider it another point in his favor. I didn't see the game, and I don't know who the Bears even threw out there to oppose Johnson, but Chad isn't troubled by such things, as this account in the St. Paul Pioneer Press (from before the Bengals' Week 2 matchup with the Vikings):

"After catching nine passes for 91 yards in [Week 1]'s 27-13 win over Cleveland, Johnson checked the "No" box next to the name of Browns cornerback Gary Baxter, even though Baxter didn't play because of a concussion.'

Technically, Johnson is correct: Baxter failed to cover him. Hard to fault that logic.

Drew Bledsoe: Better than Joe Montana

2005-09-26T11:08:00.000-04:00

From the "Statistics Don't Lie" department:

[Drew] Bledsoe was 24 of 38 for 363 yards, passing Joe Montana for eighth place on the NFL's career yards passing list with his first 300-yard game since Sept. 14, 2003.

Congratulations to Drew Bledsoe, the newest member of the Karl Malone Society. If only there were some way we could convince future statisticians to include a picture of his "I just choked away the potential game-winning drive" face when they're trying to convince people he was better than Montana.